Richard Wright

author of strange, dark fictions

Journal

Wanna Buy A Car?

April 27, 2014 by Richard Wright in Journal, Life

CarHey.

Hey you.

Psst!

Do you wanna buy a car?

It’s a good car. Shiny. Do you wanna buy it? It’s not broke.

You can buy it if you want.

We’re selling our car. Four years old, seven seats, bought new, 27,000 km on the clock, just serviced. Do you wanna buy it? It’s a good car. It’s been specially modified for driving in Delhi. Delhi specific enhancements include:

Front and rear bull bars! Bulls and cows in Delhi, while often found on roads, have remarkably good awareness of how to operate in traffic, and are rarely the cause of accidents. The same cannot be said of auto-rickshaw drivers, cyclists, or anybody behind the wheel of a motor cycle, car, truck, or bus. Anything driven by a human being, in short. With these specially fitted bull bars you can watch the incompetence bounce off!

Side mirrors (full instructions for use included)! For the rare competent driver these can be utilised to ensure that you are aware of what is behind and beside you. For everybody else they can be folded neatly in and forgotten about, or used to cause head injuries in passing to cyclists as you prefer. The central mirror inside the vehicle can be used to dangle tiny deities from. As you put your foot down and weave erratically to and fro across the road, praying to this tiny figurine will give you something other than the people in the world around you to focus on.

iPod Attachment! Plug in your iPhone or iPod and attempt to drown out the incessant, senseless honking with your favourite tunes! Fail to do so! Despair!

Raised Seating Position! The Mahindra Xylo puts you above the traffic so you’ll have an excellent view of what’s happening around you. This will, if anything, only increase your terror and amazement as you witness constant acts of incoming carnage and stupidity. You will have plenty of warning of the imminent and probably fatal collision that you will be powerless to do anything about!

Seven Seats! The Mahindra Xylo seat up to seven ordinary people, or up to fifty-two Delhi families!

Air Conditioning Throughout! On even the hottest day of the year you can ensure that the car’s interior temperature is a perfect complement to the icy loathing of humanity you will develop after just a few short days of driving in Delhi!

ONLY 3.5 lakh (or nearest offer!)

So what do you think of our car? Do you wanna buy it?

It’s not broke.

Serious offers only.

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2 Comments

  1. Casey TibbsApril 27, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Richard, you just made my day! Good luck!

    • Richard WrightApril 27, 2014 at 11:29 pmAuthor

      Thanks!

      So. Do you wanna buy a car then?

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