Richard Wright

author of strange, dark fictions

Journal

Surviving Hogmanay

December 31, 2012 by Richard Wright in Journal, Life

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I discovered the above statue in a night market in Phuket. It’s handmade, and the most awesome thing ever. Unfortunately, it’s a little beyond the reach of both my budget and my luggage allowance.

I bought a little Dalek instead. It is also the most awesome thing ever, but is all wrapped up ready to fly.

There is little to link the above image with New Year, except that I hope your New Year shenanigans are just as awesome as the statue. It strikes me now that no such shenanigans could be that awesome, and so I’ve probably seeded inevitable disappointment into your evening. No matter how good a time you think you’re having, a small part of you will be thinking about this statue, and how it is more awesome than your life. Sorry about that.

Let’s face it though, unless you’re still in your twenties, disappointment is par for the course tonight. Most of you don’t want to go out anyway, but you’re going to force yourself to because that’s what people do on New Year’s Eve. Try and forget the frustrated forced merriment you put yourself through last year, and do your best to reach midnight. When the bells ring it’ll all be over, and you can shamble your sorry way home wondering why you’re not twenty any more.

If you’re going to resort to getting so drunk you can’t remember why you’re so sad, please try to anchor yourself next to the attractive people. That way, if you have nobody to mash lips with at midnight and have to grab the nearest single and make do, you’ll at least have the consolation when seeing the pictures on Facebook tomorrow that you didn’t do too badly.

If you’re in a relationship and want to remain in one, stay away from attractive people at midnight (unless it’s your partner of course).

With the above in mind, if you’re a very attractive person (as I’m certain most of my blog readers must be) then please try and stay away from the less comely, especially as the bells approach. Desperation can lead to some gruesome and regrettable decision making as the twelfth chime rushes closer…

Happy hogmanay – see you in 2013!

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