Richard Wright

author of strange, dark fictions

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Sarin Gas Doesn’t Kill People

December 15, 2012 by Richard Wright in Journal, Life

Sarin

It’s time to have this debate in public. It’s time to go to war on left-wing intolerance!

Sarin gas was declared a weapon of mass destruction by UN Resolution 687. In 1993 it was classified as a Schedule 1 substance by the Chemical Weapons Convention. It is vilified and feared, as are those who use it.

That isn’t right. It’s time to fight back, and I’m here to tell you the plain truth, using science, and logic, and history. I should be allowed to have Sarin gas, as much as I like, and do you know why?

Sarin gas doesn’t kill people.

That’s right.

Think about it.

It’s true.

Sarin gas doesn’t want to see you dead. It’s a chiral molecule, with four substituents attached to the tetrahedral phosphorus centre. It doesn’t have a will, or an intention, or an agenda. Demonising Sarin gas is about as smart as demonising a chair. If Jesus was alive today, he’d tell you the same thing.

He’d also tell you that, in the eyes of the big guy in the sky, the decision on whether you keep a pressurised capsule of Sarin gas on you at all times (I’d suggest in a special compartment in your shoe) is nobody’s but your own.

Yet try telling that to the anti-Sarin-gas lobby. When they’ve finished hugging each other and smelling flowers and puppies and stuff, they’ll line up to make you feel like Satan himself. They’ll ask stupid questions, and draw stupid conclusions. They might even question your motivation, with stuff like:

“Sarin gas doesn’t even exist in nature. It’s a deadly nerve agent made by man, just for killing people. What other reason could you have to want some?”

Stupid liberals. They don’t have my vast reservoir of partial facts that ignore all the other facts that I don’t like and prove that what I say is true. Sarin gas was made by scientists, people, just like penicillin was. Penicillin isn’t evil, is it? You’d have to be crazy, to think that penicillin was evil. So why do you think Sarin gas is?

And it was invented as a pesticide. That was in 1938, in Germany, and just because it was passed straight to the German war office a year later so they could exterminate our grandparents with it doesn’t make it evil. Sarin gas didn’t ask to be developed to weapons grade by the Nazis.

Know what I want it for? Killing pests. That’s right. Cockroaches. They’re evil. I kill them for fun, like Jesus says I can. That’s why I want the Sarin gases.

“But people won’t use it just to kill pests – they’ll use it to kill other people!”

Stupid liberals. I’m not an idiot. I’m not saying Sarin gas isn’t lethal in the wrong hands.

Remember a little place called Tokyo in 1995? The subway attack? Thirteen people killed with Sarin gas! And guess what, liberals? SARIN GAS WAS ILLEGAL IN JAPAN IN 1995! That single incident nearly two decades ago means that anyone who wants to kill you with Sarin gas will DEFINITELY find a way to get some. If your neighbour decides to kill you while horribly drunk one night, by finding some Sarin gas and shoving it through your letterbox, then it is definitely going to happen and no amount of making Sarin gas illegal and difficult to get hold of when horribly drunk is going to stop it!

Sarin gas could be used to KILL YOU AT ANY TIME, despite all that law and regulation. So why not just let everybody (well, responsible adults and kids who know where their parents keep the keys to the Sarin gas cabinet, anyway) have it to kill pests with?

See, liberals? Logic has defeated you.

My point?

Sarin gas doesn’t kill people. People kill people.

And they should be allowed to have Sarin gas to do it with*.

Restricting my access to Sarin gas is, as logic, science, and history clearly show, EXACTLY the same as taking away my freedom. Until it’s available for me to buy over the counter, you’re definitely a Nazi, and that’s all there is to say on the matter.

*And, you know, kill pests and stuff with as well, or whatever the half-baked rationalisation I offered a minute ago was.

Currently Reading (novel): Strip Jack by Ian Rankin

Currently Reading (short stories): Wake Up And Smell The Creepy by Marianne Halbert

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