This morning, in a bizarre accident that I challenge – yes, challenge – you to replicate in your own home, I managed to spill a significant quantity of mouthwash into my right eye. This was completely unintentional on my part, and I doubt it could be repeated anywhere outside of laboratory conditions.
In case you actually are tempted to join me in the voyage of discovery that followed, I should warn you that while mouthwash might strip the foul bacteria from your mouth and leave you feeling minty fresh, it doesn’t work quite the same way on the human eye. The ice-cold, menthol burn that followed failed to leave me zinging, pinging, and ready to face the challenges of the day with a spring in my step. Rather, it seared like a sonofabitch, and left me unable to fully open said eye for a considerable period.
On top of which, I’ve smelled overpoweringly of mouthwash all day, despite various rinsing attempts. This is not a good thing. Quite the opposite. I smelled much as though I had died two months previously, and decided that the only way to hide the stench of decay from those around me was by immersing myself each morning in a vat of chemicals, to which somebody had added something bleach-like that was supposed to remind those who smelled it, distantly, of something medicinal.
Which set the tone for the day, really.