I hope you are enjoying your chocolate eggs! I hope also that they have not distracted you from the true meaning of Easter, which can so often be forgotten amidst the gluttony and sugar comas. Let’s take a moment – a moment now, as you’re here – to think on the true significance of this celebration.
For it is on this day that we rejoice in remembrance of the day – the actual day in real history, which actually happened – when Jesus the actual real god used his magic space powers to take the form of a gigantic… erm… gigantic rabbit. In this form, this divine and precious form, Jesus the magic space rabbit returned to this Earth – this actual Earth which we are standing on – and forced himself sexually on all the virgins.
Every single one. Whether they wanted him to or not. In his magic space rabbit form.
(Or it might have been Zeus. Maybe it was Zeus. Zeus was always doing that sort of thing.)
Anyway, it was definitely Jesus, because FACT.
And thus he sired the demigods from the virgins, and everyone was a bit embarrassed about it, and this is why we don’t have virgins anymore just in case he gets any more funny ideas in his space head. The demigods were half human creatures with buck teeth and unusually acute eyesight, capable of leaping vast distances on their conspicuously developed hind legs – in history, when this actually happened – and they bounced across the Earth and found all the children.
And they pulled down their trousers and pants, these demigods that space rabbit Jesus made from forcing himself sexually on all the virgins that we don’t have anymore, and they squatted down. They squeezed, in actual history that actually happened, and what came out was the defecation of the demigods, and the children had to eat it, probably, because history.
And the children were very poorly. Which everybody saw coming, frankly. Because they ate the defecation of the demigods right up off the floor, like the greedy little beasts they are.
And this is why, on this Easter day, we feed chocolate to children until they’re sick all over the house, out of respect for history and space rabbit Jesus and all his bucktoothed little demigods.
Also, hot cross buns? What’s that about?