Please, Microsoft, take my soul…

Please.  Just take it.  You can have it.  Only two careful owners*.  It's yours, if you will just let me uninstall a couple of programs from this laptop so Kirsty can give it to her friend.  Just make it work, without my staring at spinning wheels of death for another two hours.

* an overcomplicated story involving an experiment on ebay, Kirsty, the office Secret Santa a few years ago, and a mischievous colleague. Best told in person, so until then you can make up your own story from the above.