Richard Wright

John Smeaton, for those of you not paying attention, is a baggage handler at Glasgow International Airport. In true Jack Bauer style, when the chips were down and naughty terrorists attempted to blow the place up a few days ago, he launched into death-defying action, single-handedly saving the police from getting thier arses kicked. Or something. His legend is already becoming a thing of mythic proportion, in a peculiarly Glasweigian sort of way.

Anyway, go and have a look at the tribute website (visitors have so far donated sufficient cash via paypal to buy him over 1000 pints at the Holiday Inn). Read the comments. Kill yourself laughing at some of them. My favourites?

“John Smeaton doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”

“John Smeaton does not sleep. He waits.”

“If you can see John Smeaton, he can see you. If you can’t see John Smeaton, you may be only seconds away from death.”

“John Smeaton once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.”

“Crop circles are John Smeaton’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the !&$% down.”

“There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures John Smeaton allows to live.”

“When John Smeaton sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. John Smeaton has not had to pay taxes ever.”

“John Smeaton has two speeds: Walk and Kill.”